Hi everyone and welcome to my stop on the blog tour for Children of Gods and Fighting Men.
Unbelievably, the Queen of Dublin herself, Gormflaith has agreed to participate in this post and will be offering her best advice in response to some of your problems. You’re such lucky things!
*Gormflaith has demanded payment in the form of my home being taken as a new settlement and all my future children being wedded to whomever she sees fit, so please appreciate.
Anyway, take it away Gormflaith!
1) My mum has become too meddlesome in my life and does not respect my decisions. Do I tell her to back off?
Mothers. They can be the worst. Mine was. I was never good enough for her. My brother was always the favourite and he could do no wrong. If she just didn’t like me, I could have borne it, but unfortunately, she often meddled in my business because she thought she was superior. ‘Get married, Gormflaith. Have more children, Gormflaith. It’s your duty, Gormflaith.’ I didn’t ever quite succeed in telling her to back off, though. I was too young.
What did make life easier, was moving out of her house. It wasn’t so easy for her to meddle when we weren’t under the same roof. My advice – find someone to marry before she picks your husband for you.
2) My partner has got a promotion that requires a relocation, what should I do?
I need a little more information.
My first question is, where is the relocation? Somewhere hot and fun? Somewhere with plenty of wine and a raft of slaves to carry out your every whim? Or a barren rock in the middle of nowhere. Not everywhere is bad. Not everywhere is good.
Question two – is a long-distance relationship an option? This gives all the benefits of being in the relationship without having to actually talk to your partner, or be nice to them, which let’s face it, can be such a pain sometimes.
Question three, how much do you like your partner? Never underestimate how useful a relocation is as an excuse for ditching someone who is no longer desirable.
Question four – Do you have a meddlesome mother? If so, (as per question 1) this might be the perfect time to escape her. In this case, go wherever it is. Just remember to pack your own wine and a good fur cloak.
3) My sibling is getting mixed up in the wrong crowd and I’m not sure what to do.
Leave them be. Honestly, there is no point helping wayward siblings. It’s a waste of energy. They never listen and only use you when they want something.
4) I’ve been with my SO (significant other) for some time, how do I know if I’m in love?
Well, if you have to ask, you aren’t in love… and well done you.
Love is overrated, isn’t it? I suspect, given that you are doubting your emotions, that you are a clever individual and not fooled easily. My advice is to get rid of them and spread your wings. Much better to be single and focused on yourself.
If you are still unsure, you should ask yourself, what has this SO ever done for you? Anything less than conquering a neighbouring kingdom in your name is utterly pointless. If, however, they are impressive in their attempts at aggressively expanding their territories and generous to you with their wealth, then it’s wise to keep them for a while and get what you can. (But remember, always keep an eye open for a better opportunity.)
5) I love someone and my family don’t approve, do I pursue it anyway?
Why don’t they approve? Because family aren’t always right, you know. My whole family approved of my first husband who was older than my great grandfather and had an insatiable appetite for pickled cod. So, what does family know?
But again, sweet child, I caution you against loving anyone. Looks fade. Crowns can be lost or stolen. I’d make sure to have fun with this relationship or to ensure it’s beneficial to you in some way. Otherwise, I’d leave them well alone. Then you can always make your family feel guilty about the relationship ending!
6) Is it wrong to have a favourite child?
Ah, my advice here may be too late for you. This question suggests you already have more than one child. MISTAKE.
One is more than enough.
I have only one child myself, though I did get saddled with a miserable stepdaughter. I did everything I could for her, honestly. I even found her a husband with only one missing tooth, but she wasn’t grateful at all.
I am very lucky with my son, Sitric. He is wonderful. Of course, he is, I’m his mother.
For those who are not as wonderful as me, I do advice caution against having any children. Most of them are awful. In fact, you might be safer not having any children and buying a wolfhound instead. They are expensive, but they do keep the wolves from your door and only whine when they are hungry. Much easier.
(Do remember to feed them though. You don’t want them to bite your hand off.)
7) I’ve been working so hard at my current company but I’m struggling to climb the ladder. Any advice?
I have had my own issues with this, so I’m very sympathetic. Sometimes those in charge are simply too blind to spot true talent, other times they have their own family members primed for the important jobs. Very annoying, I know, especially when they are usually more stupid than my sister-in-law, Frigg. (And honestly, she’s very stupid.)
In my opinion, there are two effective ways to get ahead that work. Murder and seduction. When in doubt, go for murder. It’s much easier and less messy.
8) How would you deal with a co-worker that just doesn’t listen and undermines everything I suggest? Sometimes I think they are trying to sabotage me.
This isn’t my brother, is it? Hopefully not.
I’m going to be honest with you. They ARE trying to sabotage you. Therefore, you must plot their immediate downfall. If by any chance they are not actually sabotaging you, don’t worry. Plan their
immediate downfall anyway. The less ‘co-workers’ you have the better. The ultimate aim is for you to be King or Queen and everyone else to be your obedient servant.
9) Nothing is ever good enough for my boyfriend…
END THIS RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY. THAT’S IT.
10) I’ve always been close with my son but they’ve changed and I’m not even sure they love me.
My son is wonderful – as I mentioned above – but relationships do change over time. Their wives/husbands are usually the culprits as they can be jealous of your bond. If you can, remove the annoying partner by any means possible.
If you feel your child doesn’t love you, well, this can be hard. My advice here is to cut them off – both financially and with your time. They will come running back, tail between their legs, before long.
11) I really want to buy a new house but am worried I can’t afford the repayments. What should I do?
Why would you buy a house? Simply invade the land and occupy. If the current residents are unimportant, threaten them. If they happen to be related to someone who can muster an army, offer them your son or daughter’s hand in marriage by way of a peace offering. This will also solve the problem mentioned in question 6, if you make sure to offer them your least favourite child. Out of sight, out of mind.
Well there you have it – the best advice* from the Queen herself.
*This advice is intended for humorous purposes from a fictional character and should not be taken seriously.
Huge thanks to the incredible Shauna Lawless for participating in this post and sharing answers on behalf of Gormflaith. The Children of Gods and Fighting Men is now available to buy and is a brilliant read, you can read my full review here.
They think they’ve killed the last of us…
981 AD. The Viking King of Dublin is dead. His young widow, Gormflaith, has ambitions for her son – and herself – but Ireland is a dangerous place and kings tend not to stay kings for long. Gormflaith also has a secret. She is one of the Fomorians, an immortal race who can do fire-magic. She has kept her powers hidden at all costs, for there are other immortals in this world – like the Tuatha De Danann, a race of warriors who are sworn to kill Fomorians.
Fodla is one of the Tuatha De Danann with the gift of healing. Her kind dwell hidden in a fortress, forbidden to live amongst the mortals. Fodla agrees to help her kin by going to spy on Brian Boru, a powerful man who aims to be High King of Ireland. She finds a land on the brink of war – a war she is desperate to stop. However, preventing the loss of mortal lives is not easy with Ireland in turmoil and the Fomorians now on the rise…